Protected: Notes Toward a Parody

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Protected: The Mercy Theory of Literature

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The Newt Gingrich Lunar Plan for American Prosperity

guest post by Newt Gingrich

I’ve taken some heat in the last few weeks after I announced we would have a permanent moon base by the end of my second term. Some of my opponents have resorted to cheap name calling, like “crazy” or “Manuel Garcia O’Kelly-Davis” or “lunatic” except emphasizing the first half so you can tell they’re referring to the word’s Latinate origins.

I accept your opprobrium.

But I don’t need to remind you that I’m a historian, which means I know things about history. Things like the fact that the people who supported John Harrison, the inventor of the marine chronometer, were also called lunatics. If you want to throw me in with company like that, I won’t stop you. In fact, I’d say it’s an honor. Like John Harrison, I am a scientist, and I am also a patriot.

I believe in ideas. Daring, common sense ideas that will make it possible for our families and our children to live in the America we used to know and love, before it was taken hostage by the radical socialist machine. The Left has one arm around the neck of our nation, and their anti-growth, anti-life Keynesian economics are the knife they are frantically licking while they stare us in the eye, as the time bomb of their foreign policies ticks down in the background.

My ideas are the bullets inside the sniper rifle of small government, ending the foreign terrorist threat once and for all. “Tango down,” as they say in the Special Forces. One less trial we’ll need to waste taxpayer dollars on.

I have boxes and boxes full of ideas. And you know what? They’re all amazing.

Black people getting jobs? You heard it here first.

Wine in juice boxes? Guess who.

Facebook? Ronald Reagan and I discussed it frequently after he left office during our road trips across the American heartland, but the infrastructure simply wasn’t there yet. When it was, I ultimately decided to step back and make sure big government got out of the way so the private sector could take care of it, and I think those kids have done a great job.

Open marriages? Of course I categorically deny the allegations made in the elite media. But let me also add that anybody who would come up with an idea like that would have to be pretty clever, especially if they got it to work. You’ve got your meat and potatoes at home and then you get your dessert outside. I’m just saying.

I’ll be candid: as far as ideas go, “moon base” didn’t even make the top twenty of my innovative solutions for lowering unemployment and increasing productivity as we begin the task of re-endreamening America. It’s just the idea that the electorate has seized on — because they’re thirsty for new concepts. They’re not getting them from the radical academic socialist machine, and so they’ve become badly dehydrated. My moon base is the bold crisp thought beverage they need to quench that thirst.

Now, those of you who are familiar with my background will know I’m influenced not only by my intimate knowledge of history, but also by the future, or what you might call the past that just hasn’t happened yet. I’ve been a passionate reader of science fiction since I was a little boy growing up in Georgia, and I still read it today. (But I only like the hard stuff; proper gravimetric calculations or go home, am I right?)

Some members of the media elite have attacked me for this. I find such attacks to be absurd. Are my politics inspired by Asimov, Clarke, and Heinlein as much as Jefferson, Paine, and Washington? Of course. Can you blame me? How many other genres would let someone who looked like a chubby angry baby be the star of the show?

I won’t back down in the face of attacks from the radical academic secular socialist machine. On the contrary, I will move forward, much like George Washington moved forward in various military engagements that happened in history. And since you liked my idea for a moon base so much, let me remind you of another science fiction-inspired idea I had back in 1996, an idea which remains my favorite, even to this day:

Dinosaurs.

That’s right. I’ll say it again:

Dinosaurs.

Did you know that in addition to studying history, making history, and exploring space, I am also a paleontologist? It’s true. Don’t believe me? Here’s a video of me debating with Jack Horner, one of the most famous dinosaur hunters of the last century.

You can rest assured these masterful rhetorical skills and powerful command of facts will be on full display when I debate Obama after securing the nomination of the Republican party.

I love dinosaurs. I love dinosaurs so much I even kept a tyrannosaurus rex skull in my office back when I was Speaker of the House. Take a look at this picture:

Imagine how cool my Oval Office will be.

In my book, To Renew America, I laid out a simple platform for dinosaur-based prosperity. At the time, it was largely ignored, but I believe its time has finally arrived. Allow me to quote myself:

“Why not aspire to build a real Jurassic Park? (It may not be at all impossible, you know.) Wouldn’t that be one of the most spectacular accomplishments of human history?”

Yes, Newt Gingrich of 1996: why not? Powerful words indeed. That’s the kind of creativity you just don’t see from the radical academic secular socialist machine.

I hereby pledge that by the end of my second term, we will not only have a moon base but also a Jurassic Park operating in every state in the continental United States. This will create hundreds of thousands of jobs for scientists and engineers and children across the country, and promote all sorts of spin-off technologies, just as our race to the moon did.

(Is it cheating if it’s a clone of your wife? Probably not. Just wondering.)

Imagine herds of gallimimuses traveling across the great plains where the buffaloes once did, providing food for needy families and fossils to create fossil fuels. Imagine stegosauruses on construction sites, helping to rebuild our communities and teaching inner city youth about the importance of hard work. Imagine coming home to dinner and playing fetch with your baby brachiosaurus — or any sauropod you might prefer.

Instead of holding foreign terrrorists in Guantanamo Bay, why not just feed them to dinosaurs? Instead of building a wall across the border, why not train deadly velociraptors to hunt down people attempting to cross illegally? The potential benefits are limitless, and I will cover them in greater detail in my next book, To Fill America With Dinosaurs.

We cannot allow the radical academic secular socialist cultural extremist left-wing machine to regulate my dinosaurs. Much like the economy, dinosaurs must be left free to go where they please and eat what they like, just as the Founding Fathers intended.

In closing, let me say that all of these things are not only possible, but inevitable — as long as you vote for me. I assume by the end of my second term that popular support for me will be so overwhelming that all term limits will be repealed, so it’s difficult for me to describe what my third term will be like — but I have commissioned Peter Soloway, a NASA artist, to try to capture the possibilities:

Thank you, and God bless America.

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You Are Mark Millar

You are one of the most popular comic book writers in America. You’ve written comics for Marvel and DC and your independent projects like WANTED and KICK ASS have been sold to Hollywood and become cultural icons.

You are writing a comic book inspired by Superman and Captain Marvel. You are on the last issue, and the hero has defeated the villain, Abraxas. You are working on the denouement, and you are trying to figure out what happens to him.

You have made a career out of putting new spins on old ideas — “what if Batman was a bad guy?” “What if Wolverine was mind controlled?” “What if superheroes were real?” “What if the Avengers were dicks?” You are pretty good at this but you worry that maybe sometimes you don’t spin them enough.

You also know that endings are tricky to write; that a delicate balance must be–

Fuck it, let’s just stick him in a warehouse like in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Wait, no. That’s way too obvious.

Well, let’s hang a lampshade on it by calling it out in the dialog. If you SAY it’s just like Raiders of the Lost Ark, that makes it meta! And thus clever! There we go! Off to lunch!

No, Mark Millar. No.

This is like ripping off the Matrix lobby scene while your characters say “this is just like the lobby scene from the Matrix!” This is the comic book equivalent of Scary Movie, only you’re doing it with a straight face. This is embarrassing.

It’s not clever or meta or hip. It’s lazy and obnoxious.

Feel bad.

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